


Try Anything Once

by StellarLibraryLady



Series: Stellar Flash Fiction [39]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Alternative Energy, Anal, Anal Problems, Anus, Cautious McCoy, Curious Kirk, Energy Field Sexual Interfacing, Epicurean, Epicurus - Freeform, Final Frontier, Gen, Health Practices, Humor, James T. Kirk Has Issues, Perineum, Perineum Sunning, Puzzled Spock, Questionable Health Practices, Suggestive Themes, Sunlamp, Taoist Practice, Tongue-in-cheek
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-07
Updated: 2019-12-07
Packaged: 2021-02-26 07:22:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21699976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StellarLibraryLady/pseuds/StellarLibraryLady
Summary: McCoy tells Kirk about "perineum sunning," a practice which pretty much exposes the "final frontier."
Relationships: James T. Kirk & Leonard "Bones" McCoy & Spock
Series: Stellar Flash Fiction [39]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/705459
Comments: 18
Kudos: 13





	Try Anything Once

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by a story related by Stephen Colbert during his monologue on "The Late Show With Stephen Colbert" on December 5, 2019.
> 
> A well-known actor recently sunburned his anus doing perineum sunning and introduced a generally innocent world to the existence of this practice. The actor's sensitive problem is now such a general topic in the media that it cannot be said that I am revealing anything that has not been exposed in other venues (especially to the sun).

McCoy couldn’t believe how gullible some people could be! Or what they were willing to try for the latest thrill! 

He had to share.

“Jim! Have you heard about the newest health kick? Perineum sunning?”

“Perineum? Isn’t that the magic strip of flesh that runs between my Holy Shrine Number One and Holy Shrine Number Two? Down where the sun doesn’t shine? Or isn’t supposed to? That marvelously touchy place that’s got a direct hotline to my excitable prostate, a prostate that gives me so much pleasure whenever it’s stroked in a loving way? That perineum?”

“You got it! Well, now folks are exposing that area to direct sunlight for short periods of time. It’s supposed to give some marvelous health benefits and charge up the ol’ libido.”

Kirk’s eyes flashed with interest. “Hey, I’m all for that! Where do I sign up?!”

“No signing up. No clubs to join. No dues to pay. Just bare all but your soul to the world. I understand that people either bend over and spread their legs or lie on the ground with their lifted legs spread wide apart.”

“Sounds like something I’d like to come across on the beach. Or almost anywhere,” Kirk decided with a wistful sigh. “It’d be difficult to look away from that kind of scenery.”

“It’s not just sexual!”

“You have your interpretation, and I’ll have mine, Bones.”

“Perineum sunning is based on an ancient Taoist practice that originated in the Far East. According to that religion, the perineum is considered to be the Gate of Life and Death and is a gateway where energy enters and exits the body.”*

“Well, hey, if it’s accredited by one of the world’s greatest religions, why should I be against it? I’m a pretty serious, sober young guy when it comes to religious thought.”

McCoy gave him a wild look.

“What?” Kirk questioned with a self-effacing grin. “You act like you don’t believe me.”

“How long have I known you?”

“Oh, about--”

“Never mind! In all that time, have you ever acted subdued? Or contemplative? Or SERIOUS?!”

Kirk gave him a mellow, lazy smile. “Too much fun out there, Bones. I’ll get around to being serious when nothing much else is going on. And I want to try it all. To taste it all. Guess I’m just an Epicurean at heart. I think that pleasure is the chief good to be gotten out of life.”

“Epicurus believed in living in such a way that one could derive the greatest amount of pleasure.”

Sounded like Kirk’s credo, too. “Alright!” he affirmed in agreement.

“But in moderation so as not to suffer the consequences of overindulgence,” McCoy cautioned. “Emphasis should be made on pleasures of the mind instead of physical pleasures.”

“I don’t embrace that part of his philosophy, just the parts that agree with mine.”

“You’re just a kid who hasn’t grown up, aren’t you?” McCoy asked indulgently.

“Hey, if it was good enough for Peter Pan, it’s good enough for me!”

“Yeah, I know. Me, too. Well, I just wanted you to hear about the latest craze going around. I hope nobody is curious enough or dumb enough to try it, though.” His stare sharpened. “And, yes, I’m looking at you when I say that!”

“W-what??!” Kirk tried to act like he didn’t know what McCoy meant.

“I don’t want you showing up in sickbay with a fried asshole!”

“Now, would I be stupid enough to do something that my doctor has specifically warned me about?” Kirk wanted to know.

McCoy gave such a level look of disbelief that he did not even need to answer.

Several days later, Spock looked up from his scanners and wondered for the third time when Kirk was finally going to sit in his command chair. For the first few moments of their shift, Kirk had strolled from station to station on the Bridge and had chatted with the various crew members. He questioned them about reliability and quickness of their instruments to perform at peak efficiency. Between sessions with crewmen, Kirk studied the forward viewing screen with an intensity that he generally showed only when Clingons or orange space spiders or some unknown foe was threatening the Enterprise. At last he returned to the command chair and leaned against the back of it.

That’s when Spock decided that he would be remiss if he did not speak up. After all, it was one of his duties as First Officer to question the actions of his captain. And Spock was a stickler for duty.

“Excuse me, Captain, but is there a problem?” Spock asked as he neared Kirk.

“Problem?” Kirk stiffened and pushed away from the support of the command chair. “Why, no. Why do you ask?”

“You have not yet seated yourself. And the shift will be very long for you indeed if you plan to stand for all of it.”

“Who said anything about my standing for all of this shift? I was merely checking with the crew about the efficiency of their work stations and of the instruments that they monitor. That’s all.”

“And did you find any problems?”

Kirk chose to ignore the slight hint of snide innuendo from Spock. Or maybe his guilty conscience was seeing problems where they really weren’t any.

“Everything is shipshape. The Enterprise is on schedule.”

“That is always good to hear. Now, will you please be seated, Captain?”

Kirk did, then almost immediately hopped to his feet.

“Captain?”

“On second thought, I need to be absent from the Bridge for awhile, Spock. You have the conn.” Kirk raced for the turbo lift.

A stunned Spock was left staring at Kirk's retreating figure.

McCoy looked up as Kirk entered. “Gonna inspect sickbay now?”

“Word travels fast. No, I came for some medical advice.”

“I see you’re walking funny. Don’t tell me you tried that perineum sunning!”

“I fell asleep.”

After McCoy stopped laughing, he gave him some ointment and recommended sitz baths.

"And no more sunlamp!"

**Author's Note:**

> *Quoted directly off the Internet and put in McCoy's mouth. 
> 
> I own nothing of Star Trek, its characters, and/or its story lines.


End file.
